somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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