I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
