THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
