I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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