at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I need to calm my uterus...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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