your thong is hanging out like whoa
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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