After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
