I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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