I wish I could teleport
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
