i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
