Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
