stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
