summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
