Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
