I wish you could order shots online.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
