marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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