don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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