I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
