I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
