Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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