new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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