I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
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they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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