My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
