i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I want her autograph on my taint
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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