I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
