We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Every concussion has its silver lining
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
