dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
