I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
