Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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