Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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