i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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