I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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