I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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