No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
