My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
