Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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