you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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