so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
