I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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