Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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