Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
