I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
