Me too!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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