Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
