so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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