Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm both gender and math confused
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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