I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
