Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
