i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
