her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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