Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
