there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
