me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
