I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
