ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
