No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
