i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
