so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my shit smells like andre
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
